Horse Problems 101: How NOT to Be a Crazy Horse Girl

February 01, 2018
 girl sitting on horse

It has come to my attention that somewhere I went wrong… How on earth did I become a “Crazy horse girl” that people in Walmart can smell from an aisle away? I decided to go back through my life and create some helpful steps for avoiding this tragic outcome.

  1. No matter what you do, do not get sucked into ANY of these so-called wonderful children’s book series: Pony Pals, The Black Stallion, Thoroughbred or any other horse-related book. 
  2. If you have avoided the step above you are doing well. Next, DO NOT let your parents convince you that they would like to spend copious amounts of money on riding lessons. This step is crucial because once you have smelled that sweet, dusty horse aroma you may be lost forever.
  3. If you happen to have lost the battle of the horse scent and decide to purchase your first horse, you could go the route many new-equestrians take and purchase the first “kid-safe” 3-year-old horse you find online. This step has proven to deter many from continuing on in their horse craze.
  4. In the case that you took the logical route and bought a suitable horse, try looking for the most abrasive trainer possible. Bonus if you can find one who frequently utters the phrases “I can do that at 50 so you should be able to do it in your sleep”; “OK, now try to actually do it right”; “If you rode more like [favorite student], you would do better”; or “You should just buy a different horse. I happen to have a green OTTB for sale that would be perfect for beginners.”

Unfortunately, if you have failed these steps, or followed these steps and still have horses in your life, I am not sure if you will be able to avoid the horse-a-holic behaviors that will soon set in. You will begin to notice a change in your wardrobe … riding breeches, Dublin boots, and Kastel shirts will find a way into your everyday life. The brand “Ariat” will be a favorite. You will no longer recognize the smell that follows your barn boots around … but everyone else will. Random pieces of hay and sugar will find their way into every pocket you own and you won’t even remember what it is like to not have helmet hair.

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